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How to deal with irresponsible immature parents
deviliscious
Member UncommonPosts: 4,359
I am seriously at my wits end with my parents. My father had a stroke, my mother is handicapped- they are in desperate need of help but will not listen to reason. I am pulling my hair out trying to solve their problems but they are completely unreasonable.
Yes, this is why I am drunk tonight- needed to realease from all the BS that I have been enduring. I don;t know what I could possibly do to make them listen to reason, but I refuse to " give up on them'- they are my only parents no matter how we diagree.
My father is in ICU right now - has been for days has had numerous heart surgeries, spinal cord surgeries, and brain surgery. he had a stroke and lost more ability. The time has come that we their children step up to the plate and help them through their end days- yet they will not listen to reason.
My mother is more concerned about smuggling my dad Fast food hamburgers that he isn;t allowed to have because IT can kill him than figuring out a plan to have them not worry so much. Her reason for not selling their home was " but my tree and rose bushes". Here we are concerned they are going to be starving and homeless and she is worried about a flippin tree?!!
Their property is worth quite a bit, and they cannot afford even to pay the taxes on their property right now. They have back taxes that me and my sister can pay off to sell the property and then buy them a smaller home and property that would allow them to have excess income to do anything they wish with- it isn;t like they can even take care of all the land they own now. No, it is just siiting there in need of help, their home is in need of repairs they cannot do, and their home isn;t even handicap friendly and cannot be made so due to it's sheer size and floorplan.
My sister and I have come up with a way for them to live worry free and never have to work again- but they are too stubborn to even consider downsizing. I want to bang my head up against a wall just thinkinng about trying to have a conversation with them.
And in a few hours - I will have to be back at the Hospital. UGH! / endrant
Comments
They sound normal to me, in the context of things. Could be way worse.
Writer / Musician / Game Designer
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way worse? What wait until they have been foreclosed on becaue they refuse help and think they are going to come live with me? I would go insane. Honestly my dad 's days are numbered- then what, my mother is just going to " give up?" that is really what I am dealing with. She will just give up on life- I don;t know what to do with them really. She refuses to eat all the time, it drives me nuts.
believe me- My parents are FAR from " normal" LOL
You're saying you wouldn't revel in enforcing some "house rules" you had to go through when you lived under their roof?
I admit that it sucks they may lose their house because they can't figure out a game plan, but again, I've heard of/seen worse.
Writer / Musician / Game Designer
Now Playing: Skyrim, Wurm Online, Tropico 4
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No, I would not. My lifestyle would not permit me having parents anywhere near me on a daily basis. LOL
Anyhow- the situation is they will be homeless if they do not act. They refuse to act. If they sell the property they will be set for life and have no worries. If they fail to do so quickly- they will have no home and no way for anyone to help them.
Put it this way- I had NO contact with my parents for 11 years while I graduated Highschool and college on my own. I have agreed to disagree with them in order to reconcile our differences in order to have them in my life at all. I could NOT live with my parents under any circumstances.
Housing market sucks, they might not even be able to get rid of it.
Recommend them to a reverse-mortgage or to draw on their equity in some way. It will bail them out initially, but then cost them even more over time. At least it will bail them out for the time being... while sinking knee deep in mud that is.
Writer / Musician / Game Designer
Now Playing: Skyrim, Wurm Online, Tropico 4
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They have prime property in one of the fastest growing cities in the US. Development in their area is increasing regardless of the economic downturn- already looked into that. They have a huge return on their already completely owned property even in this economy.
Their mortage was paid off many years ago and now they are only going into debt with taxes. No way we can cover the taxes because of how much the property value is still increasing at this time. They own a buttload of land they cannot maintain and it has increased in the past year not decreased in value even further increasing their taxes.
we cannot afford to bail them out - they haven;t paid taxes in 7 years on their property and now have a lien.
Dunno how the rules apply in your state, but property taxes in CA are locked to the price at purchase. I pay for my house, which is currently sagging at around 300k (from 500k 2 years ago), at the rate it was at back when my parents bought it for 180k in 92' or so. I've even refininanced on it at least 3 times since it came under my name, no change to taxes.
Writer / Musician / Game Designer
Now Playing: Skyrim, Wurm Online, Tropico 4
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What me and my sister are trying to do is pay off the taxes, sell the house and land, have them buy a house on a smaller lot they can maintain that does not need massive repairs, and then use the extra money from the sale to pay for everything they need to live. My moms plan is when my father dies she stops eating and they both die and lose the house to the county...
They only owe county taxes.
Life insurance is a must when you have family to worry about, I can only hope your pa figured that in long before letting his health wane.
Writer / Musician / Game Designer
Now Playing: Skyrim, Wurm Online, Tropico 4
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No, he lost his insurance when he was laid off from TI during the 2nd wave of layoffs that hit the US. No health insurance or life insurance- we have been taking care of them.
LOL @ letting his health wane. The man was paralyzed for 2 years while I was growing up and refused assistance of any kind. He is father to 10 kids, yet only 2 are trying to help him now. He has nothing except his 401k to fall back on, and is not at retirement age.
That sucks. The whole reason you pop out that many kids is to be taken care of when you get older by each of them with little effort. Ingrates...
Writer / Musician / Game Designer
Now Playing: Skyrim, Wurm Online, Tropico 4
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yea it figures the one he claims gave him most of his gray hair is the one who comes back to take care of him. LOL
The others he helped the most are no where to be found.. go figure. LOL
It is ironic that the only 2 kids that came back to help are the ones who never accepted help in the first place.
some drunken ramblings..
My relationship with my father growing up was never good. We fought ALL the time. I started a fight with him everytime he was yelling at one of my siblings. I even kicked him to make him stop fighting with my lil sis to come fight me instead. I never followed the rules, made my own rules, and flat out told him " that if he had kept his **** in his pants he would have never had this problem."
We fought at 3 am when he came home from working 3 jobs we fought over everything and anything- he used to stalk me with binoculars to see what I was doing. He brought the sherriff to crash my parties, and scared the shit out of any boy that tried to so much as kiss me. After a big fight we had, I left and didn;t talk to them for 11 years, grew up without them in my life. Came back and made amends and have been close since- but I have left the past to the past and allowed for us to be a family, and left my anger behind me.
Since then I have tried to just accept them for who they are and just love them as my parents. Even though my mother has hung up on me for calling her crazy- we still manage to be close as a family.
I hate to see my dad in the condition he is in. I would much rather him be up yelling at me. I am not ready to lose him- it is hard trying to be strong for them all the time, and never really talking about how much I worry about them, or how much it hurts to see him in the shape he is in. He is a fighter, so I do not think his time has come yet. so I am trying to make it easier on him , so he doesn;t have to worry so much, but with my mom being so flippin nuts- it is really hard to do.
From personal experience I can only tell you that as they get older they start to regress in age. My dad is starting to act more like a child then anything now. Gets angry over nonsense, throws little tantrums and goes away into the shed to sulk. Hell I was better behaved when I was 7!
At least for me he always asks for help yet always tells me exactly how to do whatever I'm helping him with or doing for him. I've had my fair share of fights with him but I've come to understand that this is something at least with him that is age related and might only get worse with time. My mom is still relatively sane. I just hope it holds out for a long time to come.
Believe me when I tell you this but you're not the only one with difficult parents. There are many out there like you who are at wits end, all though they don't necesserily resort to "hittin' the sauce"....
I guess the only think you can do is try and make some kind of provisions for them once the proverbial shit hits the fan. Only then will they realize just how deep they're in and might listen. You gotta remember that they're gettin old against their will and it's a change they might not be prepared to go through. They still probably want to do things for themselves but their bodies will not allow them to. I'd be depressed too if my choices get taken away.
No required quests! And if I decide I want to be an assassin-cartographer-dancer-pastry chef who lives only to stalk and kill interior decorators, then that's who I want to be, even if it takes me four years to max all the skills and everyone else thinks I'm freaking nuts. -Madimorga-
My parents actually went through something similiar with my grandfather a few years ago. Similiar, but not the same.
Anyway, I know it's got to be tough and I don't know if there's anything you can do, but have you maybe looked into more forceful measures? It may seem harsh, but you are doing it for their best interest. Is there anyway you could get a court order to gain power of attorney so you could directly manage their finances. You might be able to convince a judge that they are unfit to manage their assets themselves and you are simply trying to help your parents.
Don't know if you can do it, but thought it was worth suggesting
After reading the garbage you blow out here I wouldn't listen to you either TBH. GFYS and give them what they want.
Oh wow.. You are such a charmer aren;t you? " give" them what they want? LOL- I am doing everything I can to help them already- what they want is to " give up" not be able to afford medication, become homeless and die. That sounds reasonable? I can only afford to do so much. I cannot afford my home and theirs. I cannot afford to continue paying taxes on their huge amount of land and their very large home, and afford to take care of mine. They already owe quite a bit in back taxes and cannot make their current taxes and already have a lien on their home from the county. How am I supposed to " give" them what they want? Pull it out of my ass to save them? There is no way I can save their home or provide them with a more affordable home on less acreage if they lose their current home to the county. The only way that would be reasonable would be to sell their current property and buy another home on about 4 acres instead of having a ton of land they cannot even maintain. Their current home is not handicap accessible, and my father may be wheelchair bound, if they ever even release him, right now it is uncertain if he will even make it. He had a hemorrhagic stroke, and hasn;t even stopped bleeding yet. He has to have blood thinners to keep his heart valve working and has to have coagulates to stop the bleeding. He will not even be able to get up the stairs to the house or even get in the front door, little lone get up the staircase, or fit through the bathroom doorways.
You can GFYS for being a jerk.
I would never do that to my parents, I just want them to have a fighting chance. I would never put my family into a home, or remove their ability to do for themself by force. I could never take that from them, I just want them to be able to survive is all. I have no problem checking on them daily to make sure everything is okay, and the house gets picked up, and help with meals- but I could never force them to lose their dignity in such a way. Even if they are crazy, they are still my parents, and I will do my best to let them live as normal life as possible .
My father cannot even speak well right now, he is improving though with his speach therapy. It would be easier if I just had to deal with him, My mom is so irrational I am not sure what to do with her. Don;t get me wrong- I love my mom, but she is probably the most difficult and unreasonable person to deal with on the face of the planet. I know my parents are depressed because of what they are going through, that is why I am fighting to try and keep their options open before they come to the point of being homeless- the county could decide to Take their property as is, and I am currently trying to stop that from happening. He will qualify for disability when released, but that will not take affect for at least a year- they can lose everything they have in that amount of time.
Your mom is watching the man she loves die. The last thing she's going to care about is the house. And when she does think about the house, when your trying to get her to agree to sell, she's mentioning those trees and flowers because they are something she did while living in that house with the man she loves who is now dying. If it wasn't the trees and flowers, it would be the marks on the wall that measured you and your siblings as you grew, or the wallpaper your dad bought her for the kitchen.
Your father is probably resigned to the fact he is about gone, whether he hides this from you or not. Your mom is avoiding this truth as best she can by bringing him a cheeseburger, because regardless of what those doctors or you or anyone else says, that is her husband and he is the strongest, baddest man she knows and he is ( as long as she narrows her focus and blocks the rest of you out ) immortal.
Your only real options are to pay the taxes and then try to reason with them to sell until you're blue in the face, file for power of attorney, pay the taxes, and sell it yourself; or let the house go and place them in a home.
None of these are ideal choices to have to make, and while I am trying to be sensitive about your plight, I have to also be candid in the fact that no matter what, in the end you're not going to be able to stop the inevitable.
But I feel for ya sweetheart, I really do.
-Letting Derek Smart work on your game is like letting Osama bin Laden work in the White House. Something will burn.-
-And on the 8th day, man created God.-
Thank you for bringing this home to me. My father truly means the world to me, not only to my mother - To me he is the baddest man alive. He is a computer techincal electrical engineer, that not only designed ariplanes, robots, microchips, and is in the guiness world book of records- he has also designed,raced and survived pro stock cars after flipping 5 times exploding and being careflighted out while setting a track record and going air born, and being a pyro technitian.. yea my dad has the Ultimate set of tools he can design it, build it, race it, and blow that mother up! He is also a father of 10 children, Built his house with his own hands, and even after being paralyzed never needed help. He truly is the baddest man alive in my eyes, and this is very difficult to deal with. He is the " Texas outlaw" as published in magazines, he was the inventor of the titanium block with NOS run up the heads to be undetectable by the judges. He is truly a bad ass.
He is where I get all of my fight from, he is the reason I have strived so hard my entire life to be the best I can be no matter what obstacles are in my way- and I am not ready to see him go. I am not ready to to let the man that gave me so much lose dignity. He completely blew a gasket when he found out I was racing in street races. The reason we fought so much my entire life is because we are so much alike. HE is the bravest man I know.
He is not ready to go- so I know his time is not yet. Though his days may be numbered, today is not the day we must let go.
I want him to be able to just enjoy life without the worry of how they are going to get by. I want him to be able to just enjoy the time he has left with his family without the stress of how they are going to survive. Between me and my sister we can handle this- if my mother will just allow us to. I guess it is going to be a hard sell, but we are not going anywhere- we are in this for the long haul.
Trying to focus on just the " what needs to be done" without taking the time to realize how I am feeling right now makes it really difficult to take the entire situation in. It is hard trying to be strong and rational for everyone, and sometimes I just need to " feel."
When my mom married my dad- she was a flower child LOL her hair longer than her skirt with daisies around her head. She still has more concern for nature than herself.
Thank you again, you really do not know how much I needed to hear this.
You're welcome, kiddo.
This is one of those times when I really, really wish I could just throw out something to make you feel better. But as much as I hate to admit it sometimes, there's just some things I can't do. Just hang in there and do the best you can, I have faith in ya ( how comforting you find some random ugly dude on the internet saying he has faith in you, I have no idea
).
-Letting Derek Smart work on your game is like letting Osama bin Laden work in the White House. Something will burn.-
-And on the 8th day, man created God.-
"The great thing about human language is that it prevents us from sticking to the matter at hand."
- Lewis Thomas
Continue supporting them in every way you can. But constantly make them to listen to reasons that you and your sister have come up with. They will probably listen despite what you have told us about them.
do you or any of your siblings have an all encompassing (durable) power of attorney?